Staying with Tony during the day, I became very introvert. The outside world scared me. I don’t know exactly why but I felt like home was my safe place. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my own space. Nor did I want anyone coming in. I didn’t like the way I looked. I felt very self conscience. I had gained a total of 70 pounds between Nathan and Tony’s pregnancy. I had post pardum. That could have been mixed in with my grieve from Nathan. To me it was very toxic. My mind and thoughts became very dark. I tried for a long time to keep them to myself. I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak. But this was just too much for me to hold inside. It consumed me. As sad as it is for me to say, Tony was my lifeline. Being home with him brought me a strange comfort. He was the only thing that made me feel something. I’m not saying that my other kids didn’t make me feel anything but with Tony it was different. I definitely coddled him and had him with me 24/7. My anxiety would go crazy if he was anywhere else other than with me. I think that he was sent for me. Nathan sent him to me. He was a part of Nathan I never got to experience. He lives on through Tony, I strongly believe that.

Three months following Tony’s birth I was scheduled to have my tubes tied. The anxiety I felt before was intense. It would be the first time I had ever been away from Tony and it was killing me inside. On the way to the hospital, I cried. My husband didn’t quite understand why I would be crying since it would be for only a couple hours but for me, he was my lifeline. I’ve finally come to realize that the reason I am so over protective with Tony is because I have the strongest need to keep him safe. As long as he’s with me I can make sure he’s okay. I couldn’t do that for Nathan. Its an instinct that us mother’s have and I couldn’t protect my Nathan so I make sure I can protect Tony and my kids at all times. I think I over react about things. I’ve never overreacted with any of my other children before but that’s because I’ve never known or realized how easily things could go wrong. I never had fear, now I live with it every day. For the next few months, I could feel myself being pulled farther into the dark. The dark space was just more into my weaknesses and self loathing. I didn’t want to talk with anyone yet I was yearning for adult contact after having dealt with a baby and children all day. I was stuck in a space where I wanted so much more from myself but so scared to do anything. By the time Tony was 6 months, I was probably the most unhappy with myself. I hated looking at my self in the mirror, I didn’t like who I saw looking back at me. I went in for my annual health physical and there is where I decided to change my habits in regards to getting healthy. My blood work came back showing my cholesterol high. If I didn’t get it back to normal, they’d put me on medication. I am a person who does not like to take medicine, not even when I have a common cold. As the weeks and months went by, I could see and feel a difference. That helped me, made me feel a little better in myself. It kind of made me feel like my old self again. For almost a full year, I felt like a stranger in my own body. 

By this time Tony was sleeping through the night (thank goodness!) and I was back to work and we were as busy as ever. My day would start out at 5:30 a.m. getting up to take a shower, get myself ready along with 4 kids. Dropping one off at daycare and the other 3 at the same school. Work full day and pick up the 3 from school, try and get in some grocery shopping, pick up Tony, go home and depending on if kids had after school activities, cook dinner. I did that day in and day out for about 8 months. No breaks. It gets very tiresome and it started to make me go back towards that dark place in my head. I would tell my husband how I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown. And I did, many of them. Unfortunately I took out my frustrations on him. I know he felt helpless and so did I. I couldn’t even describe why or what I needed to help me feel better. I had good days but it was getting to where the bad was outweighing the good. I had no patience with anyone. I did not like who I became. This was the grieve creeping up. Stress brings out the bad side. I just didn’t know that at the time. After trying to deal with it on my own for too long, I decided to seek out help. I felt that it was time, I had been a prisoner of my own mind for too long. 

Upon my search, I found a therapist that I felt would fit me best and upon my first session I knew that I had found the person who was going to save me from myself. She was amazing. Of course I cried the entire session. There’s something cathartic about spilling everything that you’ve bottled inside with someone who knows nothing about you or your situation. She listened and was very gentle, I took to her immediately. For the first time, I told someone the whole truth about Nathan and it felt better than great. I didn’t feel judged. I could finally breath. It was as if a weight had been lifted. I left that appointment happier than I had been in a very long time, I couldn’t wait to go back and talk with her. 

‘I have heard it said that the greatest loss a human being can experience is the loss of a child. This is true. It doesn’t just change you, it demolishes you. The rest of your life is spent on another level.’ -Gloria Vanderbilt

During my time with the Dr. I came to realize a lot about myself and how my reactions to actions affect me. Nathan was my first death I had ever personally experienced and i believe its one of the hardest as he was my child. I felt a ton of guilt, regret and had so many what if’s. To me, I believe that’s because I never got to physically see or hold him. I regret that I don’t have a piece of him. One of my biggest fears is that everyone around me will end up leaving. Another fear that I have is someone I love will die. When something unusual happens, my mind immediately goes into defense mode. I automatically think the worse to prepare myself from the possibility of what could happen. I think this is to protect myself from pain if something was to happen. Self doubt has become embedded in me and that’s one of the things I continue to struggle with. I question everything and everyone around me. I’m convinced that one day everything will change and I’ll never have them again. With time that has passed, I’ve come to realize that my early childhood also effects the way I react to things. Certain things trigger me and my feelings because I never dealt with them before. It’s as if this event in my life has opened a box that I’ve kept locked for so long that I can no longer control my emotions. This is still a work in a progress.