My name is Brae Morales. I am a mother of 4, 5 counting our angel in heaven. My husband Juan and I have been married for 16 years now. We met when I was 16 years old. Everyone thought we wouldn’t last since I got married the summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school. Man, have we proved them all wrong!
I never saw myself as being a young mother. In my head I always said I’d get married and have a child around 25. I was 19 when I got pregnant with Samuel, 20 when I had him. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed when I found out I was having a boy because I had wanted a girl first. I thought it’d be cute to pierce her ears and dress her up in pink. But, I am so thankful that Sammy was a boy. Pregnancy was a breeze along with the delivery. Although he was 8 days overdue, he definitely was so easiest birth. Sammy was also the easiest baby to care for. He had the biggest smile and could make anyone that was sad, happy. Little did I know that my life would truly begin the moment he was born. I feel that way about every birth for my children.
Abbi came along not long after. I found out I was pregnant with her February 14, 2007 which means I became pregnant when Sammy turned 1. I was convinced that she was a girl and we were so ecstatic when we found out in truth that she was a girl. My pregnancy was good with her, no complications until the day of birth. While I had the belly band to monitor her before birth, the nurses/doctor heard something with her heart. I did not know about it until she was born and they took her to the NICU. It was then that we found she had an extra beat to her heart. They kept her in the NICU to monitor her. Thankfully, they released her to go home with us. The extra beat continued until she was cleared at her 2 year checkup.
Once I had Sammy and Abbi, I was set. I did not want anymore children. I felt that I had my boy and girl and I was good. God definitely had other plans for me.
I became pregnant with Kylie while I was on Birth Control. She was meant to be ours for a reason. And that reason is definitely to light up our lives. She knows exactly what she wants and doesn’t stop until she gets it. Pregnancy was good with her but to be honest by the time I was at 36 weeks, I was done and over being pregnant. She was my biggest belly and I felt it everywhere! Life with 3 kids was hard but amazing. Definitely worth it. Now, onto the real reason for me writing this blog.
We found out that we were expecting baby #4. The whole family was rooting for us to have a boy. That would even out the score since we already had 1 boy and 2 girls. This pregnancy was the same as others. Felt the same symptoms, didn’t see any difference between the others. Everything was how it should be until the 18 week scan. The only thing is, I didn’t realize it until 21 weeks.
Going in for my 18 week anatomy scan was exciting. We would finally get to see the baby. We weren’t excited in the fact of finding out the sex because we already knew. We were expecting a boy. I had found out through my blood work at around 11/12 weeks of what we were having. We were all ecstatic to hear that it was a boy. The way that we told the kids was by giving them each a can of silly string in the color of the sex. Of course they were all excited. The kids ages at the time was Sammy 8, Abbi 6 & Kylie 3. I would say out of all the kids, Kylie was the most apprehensive in regards to welcoming a new baby into the family. For one, she was the baby so she couldn’t see herself giving up that title. Sammy was so super stoked because he is the one who would beg me to have a baby brother for him to play with. With Abbi, she was already used to being a big sister, so for her it was nothing. All seemed to go smoothly throughout the weeks leading up until that 18 week scan. My world as I knew it would forever be changed.
I remember that day for the scan, as it was my husband and his grandmother who accompanied me. Since this was not my first rodeo, I already knew the in and outs of an ultrasound. Everything was going as it should. The tech was checking the measurements of the legs, stomach, heart, feet, etc. All seemed to be moving right along. When it was time to take the head measurement, that’s where the baby was giving a little bit of trouble. He was positioned in a way that the scan could not be done properly. Even after moving from side to side and a little shaking, he just wouldn’t budge. The doctor decided then that I should come back at 21 weeks for another scan. This way, it gives the baby time to get in a position to where the scan can be done and I was also due for my blood work to check on any chromosome deformities.
The weeks passed by and soon it was time for a rescan of the anatomy. I remember the tech concentrating on getting the head measurements seeing as how they already had the ones from before. Of course since some time had passed, they needed a refresher of sorts to make sure all is accurate with how far along I was. He started on the head measurements and again, the baby would not cooperate. They were able to get a few measurements which raised a few flags for the doctor. She called me after my scan and she advised me that she wanted me to see a parnitologist for further review. This was because originally when I had my blood work come back, they said everything looked clear. Upon the readings from the sonogram she called the lab to rerun my blood and realized that my information to the lab was incorrect which could give an incorrect result. In my case, that is what happened. So now, not only had my scan been abnormal, now my blood work was coming back showing as if the baby would have an abnormality. I think hearing these words, put me in a trance. I say this because for the next 5 days, my life changed dramatically. It changed me both mentally and emotionally.
I was able to get an appointment with the parnitalogist the following day which was a Friday. We went into his office and I must say how excruciating that wait was. I felt as if time didn’t even move. The tech brought me into a room with an ultrasound machine. She then proceeded to take all the measurements. I can’t really remember but I want to say it was a quiet scan. To me, everything seemed like it was going fine. That is until the doctor came in while his assistant was just finishing up. Immediately he told us that our unborn child has Spina Bifida.
Spina Bifida is not a word I knew. I was completely dumbfounded. My immediate reaction to myself is that this is a result of something I must have done. I don’t remember the exact words spoken but I remember him explaining to us what exactly Spina Bifida is. And he showed us on screen. Our baby had a hole in his back with the nerve cords sticking out. On the ultrasound it looked like a fuzzy mark, but that was our childs’ nerves from the brain. His poor brain was also being pushed to the back of his skull due the the nerves sticking out. There was fluid around his brain. Normally a fetus brain is peanut shaped, my sons was a banana. He went on to explain to us what Spina Bifida is and the different degrees. Unfortunately for my child, he had 3 out of 4 severities. The doctor then told us that we had options with this diagnosis. The first one he said was that we could continue on with the pregnancy but it could not be guaranteed that the child would make it to full term. As it was, I was just over 21 weeks and he was measuring around 18/19 week mark. He also was no longer moving his lower extremities. It’s as if he was already paralyzed. Thinking back, I only ever felt him in my pelvic area head butting me. I thought it was cute at the time because I didn’t know. Now thinking about it hurts my heart. It hurts because he was already suffering. The second option was they do offer in-utero surgery. This means that they open you up, open the sac and perform surgery on the fetus to close up the hole in the back as to prevent anymore nerve damage. And lastly was termination. When I heard that word, I immediately disregarded that option. This is because I am a person who does not believe in abortion. I’ve learned that abortion and terminating for medical reasons are completely different.
The doctor left us and told us to meet us in his office. My world was crushed. I didn’t know that it would crush more.
Once we were situated, I think it was my husband who asked him if our child would be able to walk with this diagnosis. And I remember the doctor saying he didn’t know. There is no way to know until that child is born and gets bigger. That news is heart crushing. To never know if your child will ever have a fulfilling life is just unimaginable. I know I was crying. I was completely numb. I kept telling myself that this couldn’t be happening. I had 3 kids who are perfectly healthy. I’ve had healthy pregnancies with no issues. This wasn’t fair.
‘Don’t judge a situation you’ve never been in.’
Before leaving, the doctor advised us that we should research this and the options given. Take the weekend and make our decision. Although it sounded cold at the time, we needed to make this decision soon as if we went with the termination option, we were coming up on a time limit. The law here in Florida is that you can’t terminate for medical reasons after 24 weeks.
Upon leaving that appointment and life chaining conversation, I didn’t even know what to think or say. We went home and did some research. Mostly my husband Juan looked it up. I saw a little bit but it was just too much. I didn’t go into detail so much. I never saw the pictures. Now knowing how it is, I’m glad i didn’t. That would of been pretty traumatic I believe. We decided not to say anything to the kids right away. For one, we didn’t know exactly what we’d do. And two, it was just too hard. I honestly believe that first day of research made our decision. The only thing going through my mind is how this would effect my children. And then onto the baby. What kind of life would or could he have with all the effects of Spina Bifida? I know that it would include doctors, surgeries and who knows what else. Right off the bat, he would need to have surgery right after birth to close up the hole in his back. After that, he would need to have the fluid drained from his brain and a tube placed in, called a shunt. Who knows how many more surgeries would arise during the future. And again with the unknown of physical abilities and mental retardation. It would be a world of unknowns. Is that a life we’d want for an innocent child? How could we put him through that? How could we put our children through that also? It wasn’t fair. Not to anyone. I think once the realization of our decisions was made, I became a robot. I was programmed caring for the kids as if everything was normal. I know I cried but I made sure to not let them see. I was trying to be strong. For them and myself. Maybe for everyone around me. What’s really crazy is my friend was having her baby shower and I went. I thought maybe it would help me to forget for a minute of what I was going through. Of course it didn’t but I put on a strong front. I think I was ingrained to be strong. Not to let my weakness show. To me thats both a skill and curse. I was dying inside. But I made it through with out crying. For a second, I was proud of myself.
During that weekend, I feel it was torture. Here I am, almost 22 weeks pregnant knowing that I would soon be terminating my wanted pregnancy. I felt like a horrible person. Every time he would move (head-butt me), it was like a knife twisting in my heart. How bad is it that I wish he wasn’t moving so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Every time he moved, I said to myself that it was making it worse. I wanted it to stop. I wanted him to stop moving cause it was making it too hard on me. What type of person would wish that? What kind of mom am I that I didn’t want to feel my child moving inside of me? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be looking forward to? That tells us that our child is healthy and okay. But mine wasn’t. And he never would be.
Monday morning came and my first call was to my specialist. We advised him of the decision we decided on. He was trying to comfort us and advise that he believes we were making the best decision for us and our family. I didn’t find his words comforting. I was continuing to break inside. A little while later, I received a call from my OB-Gyn letting me know that our specialist had called her and told her of our decision. Again, she tried to be comforting but it didn’t matter to me. They then referred me to a clinic for the same day. I guess in this situation they move quickly. I contacted them to where we had an appointment same day, in the early afternoon. When we arrived there, little did I know that I would be put through further heartbreak. The place I was referred to was an abortion clinic.
At first I didn’t know that this is what it was. I thought that it would be a place where people like me would be going through the same thing. At first I thought that. They brought us into an office where there was a woman who explained the procedure to us. She also made sure that we knew what it entailed and that basically there would be no turning back once started. I felt that she was sympathetic but I later learned that it was all about the money. I know I cried during our meeting with her. I think it was the shock of everything but also the realization that this was really happening. Once our meeting was over, she sent me back into the waiting room. There I would be told how much this termination would cost. It was into the thousand’s mark. Of course my insurance wouldn’t cover it because they deemed it as a personal choice.
I thank God that the woman behind the desk was there and realized I was not there by choice and did everything for me to where I could get the most discounts possible. I can’t remember the exact amount but it helped. Then came what I wanted to do in regards to his remains. I had the option to have a funeral, cremate or donate his body for medical research. Of course the first two options would of included more money, so I opted to donate his body for research. I requested a foot and handprint which cost me an additional $250. These people made money off a mother’s anguish. How messed up is that?
Another thing with this place is they do not allow you to have anyone with you in the room. If you request someone to be with you, there is an additional charge. I can’t quite remember the amount but I couldn’t believe it. I made the decision to not pay it as I felt the money being spent would benefit the clinic and I didn’t want to support them in any way. By that time I had it figured out of what type of place we were in. Even after knowing the type of place I was at, I still proceeded. I believe women in this situation should not be the one’s making all the decisions as you don’t really realize what is going on, at least that’s how it was for me.
What felt like hours (because it actually was) they finally called me back into a room. There they explained to me what they would be performing. I was having a D&E (Dilation & Evacuation). This meant that they would be putting me into labor and then taking the baby while they put me under general anesthesia. I never researched any of this information until just now. And the process is harsh for the baby. It makes me sick to my stomach.
While in the room, the doctor advised me that they would be performing an ultrasound and that they would be inserting a needle into my stomach to reach the baby’s heart. It would then inject an chemical or medicine to make the baby’s heart stop. At those words, my heart broke into thousands of pieces. I immediately hated myself and what I was doing. I regretted it all. I wished that I was never there and how I would rather take the diagnosis for myself so that my child wouldn’t have to have it. I don’t really remember the pain of the needle going in, although I know it definitely was uncomfortable. I was crying, that I remember. Once the needle was out, they proceed to put in the rods, or sticks they called it, to begin to soften the cervix. These were meant to open it up to start the process. They sent me home. I had a lot of discomfort and these were a foreign object inside my body. My baby was still moving somewhat as he was still alive. I can’t remember how long I felt him move or when he stopped moving.
That night we decided to let the kids know a little of what was going on. We brought them into our room and let them know that we were losing the baby, that he was sick and wouldn’t make it. I will always remember the look on their faces. Sammy broke down immediately crying (which broke me even more, as if I could break more). Abbi was silent but you could tell she was hurting. When it came to Kylie, she didn’t quite grasp exactly what was happening. She was full of questions. I can’t recall what they were, but I know it was pure innocence. We all went to sleep that night with heavy hearts.
The next day started as normal. Got the kids up and ready for school. Took them to school and headed to the clinic. I didn’t know what would await me there.